Learning to listen to the still small voice

For months I have been agonizing about whether or not we should move home or stay here a while longer. My whole soul wanted to go home but every time I tried to work it out it seemed to fall apart. I was so unhappy and just plain mad at the world! I miss my moms, my sisters and friends from home. I just wanted out! So finally after exhausting every option to get home, I finally had to accept the fact that we were here for a while longer. I finally had to stop and listen to the still small voice that was telling me that all would be okay and God would take us home when he desired and not a minute sooner.. So my next big hurdle was dealing with our landlord. The cost of living in this house was sinking us and he just kept raising the cost of things. He had called the first week in February and asked how long we thought we would be staying, I told him maybe till October (hoping to use our pfd to get home) if he would renegotiate and settle on a certain amount. He said that sounded okay with him and he would come down the following Saturday to talk to us. So I waited all day that Saturday and he did not show or call. Mind you this was after he forgot to put oil in the tank and then ruined the stove and had to have it removed for repairs, then did not pay the water guys and we ran out with no heat and sick kids!! So my dilemma was whether or not we would be doing something not honorable in the eyes of the Lord by leaving this house. We don't have a contract but I did not want to simply leave him high and dry.

   Earlier this week, after much prayer, we had finally decided that we would be okay telling him that we could no longer pay what he wanted and that we were moving out. We looked at a place on Tuesday it would save us a lot of money every month plus it has a well so no more running out of water! Yay!! Wednesday morning we were all set to see if we could rent the place when the landlord text us and told us he wanted to meet with us that night. I thought maybe a good sign and I hate moving so if he is ready to negotiate we could stay. Well we get there and all he wants is to ask us to haul our own water!! What the heck!! We both just looked at each other in disbelief. So I told him that we were struggling with the cost of the home and that we had never paid this much even when we had our own home and that we would be looking for somewhere else to live. I thought he would want to renegotiate but all he wanted to know is if I would still be able to pay him on Friday!! Oh my gosh! I have been worried about hurting them for months and he could not have cared less!! It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders, his actions had finally given me the permission to leave and not worry about them..

I went home and called the man from the other house, we got an application from him and the next day he called to let us know he wanted to rent to us and that if I wanted to paint the house (and believe me I do) he would knock 300.00 dollars off the deposit!! Yay!! SO next week includes packing, painting, working and moving!! I hope we pull it all off without a major mental breakdown but in the same sense I am sooo thankful that God saw fit to help my heart get over my guilt and that he helped us find somewhere that will make life easier for us. Bonus- we get to stay in our ward, the kids are not changing schools and I get to plant a garden this spring! Did not think I would be happy about staying but there is a certain peace that came over me as soon as I knew I would have to stay. It is time to settle and just try to be grateful for what I have instead of longing for what I don't............

A place to let it all out

For anyone that knows me, you know that from the moment I stepped foot in Alaska, I pretty much wanted out! It is not so much Alaska in and of it's self that I dislike it's the being so far away from family and the realization of what it would cost to visit as often as I wanted that did me in!!  SO for the past two years I have felt like I am just existing and trying to get through till we leave this place, but lately especially the past couple of weeks I have had to come to a place in myself where I could decide that us being here for a while longer would not kill me!

Today as I sat on the couch of a beautiful sister from my ward here and we talked about the benefits of Relief Society and gaining our strength from women of faith, it dawned on me what living in Alaska has done for my faith. It was my turn to recall a woman of faith that inspired me, and while my mother and sisters are always great examples my thoughts went to our time in Wasilla and the women of our ward there. I recalled how I had to call the Relief Society president for our ward and ask for help with my children for while I had Cody. I did not have much time left till having him and all of my plans for help with the kids had fallen through, so I called, introduced myself and asked if there were any women in the ward willing to meet with me and possibly take my babies overnight. GASP!!! We were not even active, I did not know any of these women and I had only ever left my babies overnight once before and that was to find a home in Wasilla while my in laws kept my kids, that was hard enough to do and now I had to trust a stranger! But these women were AMAZING! They came to my home, invited me into theirs, met me at parks for play dates, all to comfort my very weary soul. I recalled how they made going to have Cody and leaving the kids bearable. I remember struggling after I had Cody and had sent Phil home to get the kids. I had always had a full hospital room shortly after giving birth and now I sat there alone looking at this beautiful baby wondering how I would get past no one coming to see what I had just accomplished! I needed to open mouth sob at that point and as I felt myself sinking to that dark poor pity me place, just then at what I perceived  to be my breaking point, in walked beautiful Angie, with balloons, a cake, a smile and a hug... Someone had come to see my miracle and God was kind in his mercies that day!!

 So while being here in Alaska has been full of experiences like the one I just mentioned, I have found myself discontent and longing for home or my perception of home. Over the past few weeks my push to go home has come to a screeching halt! The tax money I was relying on did not come through, the truck broke down and many, many other things put a stop to my race to leave. I had to face the possibility of staying here and try to find contentment in myself and learn to love Alaska while I am here, so I told the landlord we are moving and with families help we found a place that will save us money every month! So here we go moving yet again and here I go on my journey of "Learning to Love Alaska" My goal this year is to enjoy the awesome wonders of what God created here and to create memories so that when we do get to go home we have wonderful stories to share! My hope is that having "a place to let it all out" will help me gain strength and get over myself!