Today, I miss home!!

Most days I do good with being so far away from my family and home but today I miss "home!" I miss the Rockie Mountians and drives up Provo Canyon to see the changing leaves. I miss Peach Days in Hurricane and good friends that I spent many a day with, but mostly I miss my moms and my sisters!! I was so hoping that the fair would give Me the opportunity to see them all but it did not and now I am trying to deal with that reality! I would not say that I hate Alaska, I don't, it is actually quite breathtaking, it's just not home and despite my best efforts and countless prayers that I will feel at peace, I don't! As I prepare to go back to work later this week and I hold a sick baby in my arms praying he gets better before then, I realize that while I love my job and enjoy what I do my true calling is Motherhood and that if given the chance to stay with them I would in a heartbeat! So today I miss home in more ways than one I miss being a stay at home mom, I miss my mom, I miss my sisters and friends, I miss my brothers laughs and my sisters in law and I miss my dad!!! I miss home!!! So I'll have my pity party tonight and in the morning I'll put my shoulder to the wheel and be thankful for the sunshine this week!!

Double Gulp!!!!

Earlier this year (and some of last year) we had been going over ideas with my brother and sister in law of what we could do (Phil and I) to get a booth in the fair and make some extra money. Well we came up with the idea of an Italian food booth serving lasagna and a mega meatball on a stick. Shaun talked to the people at the fair and they told us to put in an application and see what happens but that people usually wait a year or two to get into the fair. So I put the application in and a few months later we got the call that we got a spot in the fair! GULP!!!

I almost had a heart attack!!Could we pull it off? Will we make any money? DOUBLE GULP!! Oh my goodness it all seemed so huge, but somehow everything has fallen into place one piece at a time! I can't believe that the fair starts this weekend and I am so HOPING we pull it off! There is still so much to be done and I am having trouble sleeping at night thinking of it all and what it all costs and I have a mouthful of cankers that could make you wanna slap someone, but I have prayed that the Lord would open up an opportunity like this for our family and here it is so I am going to have faith that it will all come together, that I will remain sane during the next week and a half and that both ours and my brother in laws booths will do well. Wish me luck!!!!

I can not believe that June is almost over!! Holy cow!! Last year at this time I was in Utah visiting my mom and family! I can't believe it has really been a year since I saw my mom!! Man I miss that woman! I would love to fly my mommies up to visit me! The next few months are going to be too busy though with all of our preparation for the Fair and work and just life! Maybe after the Fair...Here's hoping! 

This past week was a little harder than I anticipated with my Dad's birthday and Father's day, it made me miss him so much and I so just wanted to hug him! I was thinking about the last time I talked to him and it was on my birthday five years ago. He usually had one of the moms call and talk to us and they relayed his message for him but that year I was weeks away from delivering Lillie and laboring a lot so we had decided to skip his birthday bbq the week before and not travel to Salt Lake. Well HE called me the morning of my birthday to tell me and I quote, "Weebles wobble but they don't fall down!" He thought that was so funny, what with my current wobbling condition and all. He told me he loved me and wished me a Happy birthday and for the rest of my life it will be my favorite birthday call! A week later he passed away and for me these two weeks between the Father's day and the 4th of July are always bittersweet. Add to that the fact that Phil had to work grave shift and you have a pretty mellow holiday. It seemed to be in the air because so many of my siblings were missing him too.

  Onto Summer, my garden is growing and with a little help from above I will have fresh veggies in a few weeks! There are even blossoms on my tomato plants already!! Yay!! I can't wait for garden fresh tomatoes! They are my favorite thing!!


I took some shots of the kids this week while we were in the kitchen together and I even put up all of my framed photos around the house!! About time since we have been here since February! In the process of finding them all I found that some of my boxes of pictures were getting damp in the tent so the girls and I brought them in and spent several afternoons last week walking down memory lane!! What a fun time that was, I can't believe how big my kids are getting and how young Phil and I were when we started this journey! Seems like a lifetime ago and yesterday all at the same time, I found myself laughing out loud at so many of the pictures and missing old friends and family. I love pictures, I love black and white pictures even more! They create a feeling of nostalgia all their own!! Here are a few recent pictures of my (not so) little ones!!

This is her "What do you want look"

Cheese!

He was laughing so hard! Too cute!

Simply Beautiful Souls!

His favorite spot in the house! He would live outside if I let him!

Found a book she liked and caught her reading it! Had to capture the moment!

Getting too Big!

Finally a smile!

She insisted on wearing the coat and found a frog!! She was SO happy!

Sometimes I should just stop talking!!!

Wow, it has been a long time since I have been on blogger! Why I am still up I am unsure but maybe after so many nights of not sleeping my body thinks it doesn't need it!! Plus Sadie is up and driving me crazy for some reason, I wonder where she get's that from! I am blaming her Dad!


On to why I am on blogger so late.. My lovely sister in law brought Sadie back tonight after taking her scrap booking with her for a while. We started talking and talked for a few hours, she is always so kind and is just a great listener. We both seemed to have had one of those weeks and it was good to talk to someone sympathetic, but after she left I realized that I did most of the talking or rather complaining and she did most of the listening! Poor Tina!! I really need to learn not to VOMIT my troubles on the first person to speak kind words to me... I realized that I have done this a lot lately and man I need to stop! I vomited on Teresa and my other Tina and just about anyone who would listen this week... I think I need to find a service project that takes me outside of myself and makes me listen to others better and to I definitely need to work on keeping my opinion to myself... But all that being said I am truly grateful for friends and family that I can spew on when I loose my mind (which happens a lot lately!)

So My goal for this next week is not to complain about who is sick or whatever else may come my way, my goal is to listen to others and offer kind words and hope that in my listening I will become more appreciative of the things I have and the things others do for me.

Goodnight all, may you sleep well and think kind things!!

Ice Park and Philly's Baptism

During the last two months I have been seeking "Alaskan" things to do to add to my list of things we have tried on my Journey of "Learning to love Alaska". In March the kids had Spring break and we took them to see the ice sculpture festival up here. We had heard that this may be the last year and I really wanted the kids to experience it, heck I wanted to experience it... SO we bundled up and wore to pairs of socks ( a tip from a friend!) and off we went. It was so cool to see and the kids had so much fun. There were ice slides of every shape and size and bowls of ice which were nearly impossible to escape and so much more to see. It was truly a nice family outing! The kids loved it and it was fun to have Shaun and Tina come with us. The kids enjoy Alexis so much and they had such a good time with up until her sled broke and the poor thing was heartbroken! Still all in all it was way fun for all of us!

Phil said this was a good look for me! Haha

 

 

 

In February our Philly turned 8 and that meant he was old enough to be baptized. He also got to start Scouts and was super excited about that too. So this past week we had our meeting with the Bishop and I went in with Philly partly out of curiosity  over what he would say to the Bishop and partly out of fear for what he would say. We have had several discussions on Baptism and in true Philly fashion he usually could care less. SO in we went and the Bishop asks Philly why we get baptized and he says, "to turn 8 and grow up!". Well that's partly true said the Bishop and the rest of the meeting pretty much went the same way. At the end Philly says, " See you Saturday, we'll have cookies!" He cracks me up!

  I was giving his talk on baptism and as I read about it I came across a scripture in Matthew I think! That said that mentally challenged persons should not be baptized because they are innocent and there is no need. Well this hit me so hard! Does Philly fall under this category or is he just on the other side of it? He can tell right from wrong most of the time. He gets most of what we say, at least I think. I think it hit me this way because this same week he had an ancestry report due at school and try as I might I could not get him to comprehend it. At one point he told me to please stop talking about my great, great, great Grandpa and let him be because I was hurting his brain! It was so overwhelming and I felt so saddened by his lack of interest. Yes I realize he is barely eight but I have other children and know what to expect from an eight yr old. Instantly my mind goes into his future and I stress what it holds for him. What kind of life will he have? Will people treat him badly because he looks normal but has hang ups, will they take advantage of his inability to understand that someone may not be his friend and may be being cruel? He makes my heart sad and my cup runneth over all at the same time! In him I see the pure light of Christ, an innocent soul! He makes me laugh almost daily and I truly could not imagine our world without him in it, so as we baptized him this past Saturday I could not help but wonder what the world holds for my little guy and if we are doing right by him! His baptism turned out great and he was more excited than I could have anticipated and his dive into the baptismal font made it all the more a Philly type of day! I feel so blessed to have him and the other little souls in my family in my life! I pray that is future will hold many great things and that he has a great roll in God's plan!

Sleepless Nights

I can't sleep tonight. Not sure why, maybe it's the fact that Phil is working grave tonight and it is snowing which makes me worry about him driving a haul truck in the snow, maybe is the sick baby lying next to me that wakes every half an hour or so and cries because he is sick and congested and struggling to get comfortable. Maybe it is the dishes in the sink that I have not been able to do all weekend because of my sick crying baby, maybe it's the fact that the dryer is taking 2 1/2 hours do dry one load and I am tired of  my laundry piling up, maybe its the fact that I work tomorrow and I don't want to leave my sick baby, maybe it's Arnie ( he has been on my mind a lot lately). Maybe it is all of my anxieties all rolled into one! Who knows! So much has been on my mind lately. It seems as if every time I feel we are taking two steps forward we are once again two steps behind! I feel weary lately almost to my soul! I know it sounds dramatic but there are times that ones spirit seems to be so tired it wonders if it can go on. Maybe it's the lack of sleep this past week, maybe it's the fact the I am missing my mom terribly lately. I am unsure what it is but I feel tired and discouraged a lot lately. Maybe I am lacking sleep, maybe I am lacking faith, maybe I am lacking courage, maybe I am just lacking.........

Whatever it is I am trying desperately to get myself to give it all to God and trust that he can fix it all and make it all get better. My mind knows that with God all things are possible, heck my heart knows it too so why I can't seem to feel peace in my soul I could not tell you. All I can say is that I NEED to feel better about life and I NEED to start just being thankful for the beautiful things God has already given me and stop feeling like the weight of the world is mine to bare alone.. God has not required me to stand alone, never in my life have I truly stood alone, at every point in my life God has made sure that I have been cared for! I am not required to do what Jesus did and die for my brothers sins! SO as I lay here trying to "Give it all to God" and let it all go I ask God to forgive me for my lack of faith and ask him give peace to my soul so that I may once again feel whole!

Music Soothes My Soul

Music is such a great part of my life, you can often tell the kind of mood I am in by the kind of music I am listening too. I love how music can change your mood, transport you through time, sooth a tired soul, uplift another or just plain make you smile! This past year my theme song has been "You Know Better Than I" from Joseph, King of Dreams. Tonight as I type I am listening to David Lanz's, Cristiforis Dream! It has long been a favorite of mine.. Tomorrow as I clean I will probably throw in some Cher, Pink or something else that makes me want to get up and clean. As I read a friends post tonight I thought of music and the memories it has created in my life. Micheal Jackson will forever remind me of my sister Michelle, Tusk by ABBA reminds me of my mother, as does Patsy Cline and so many others. Pump up the Jam reminds me of Tani, Nitty Gritty Dirt Band reminds me of Lori, Bee Gees of Jodie, White Snake reminds me of Brenda, Heart reminds me of Debbie, Roxette of Fishers and  so many other songs and memories that I can recall that I could go on forever....

Sometimes music is a prayer for me and often a hymn will come to mind when I am struggling and need a boost. Put Your Shoulder to the Wheel often comes to mind and so does Oh How Lovely Was the Morning...The Old Rugged Cross reminds me of Arnie (my dad) and it can bring me to tears almost any time I hear it.

 As I sit here tonight I am reminded of my goal that someday soon I want to learn to play the piano, it has been a life long dream of mine. Piano music reminds me of my mother and is somehow my connection to her father whom I never had the pleasure of meeting on this earth. Since childhood I have heard stories of his piano playing and the beauty of it. I have many musically gifted cousins and extended family members but have never tried it for myself. So soon I will grace some poor piano teacher with my presence and learn to play...


So for tonight I miss my sisters, mothers and good friends and I am thankful for the music that makes me feel close to you all........

Oh and if I can ever figure it out there will be music on my blog someday!!!

Needing a Recharge

Today I needed to recharge my battery more than most days. Yesterday I worked from 11 am till a little after 11pm. We were down a couple closing cashiers and I volunteered to stay. I figured a couple hours of overtime would be helpful so I stayed to help. My feet hurt so bad by the end of the day and all I could think was that I so badly wanted to come home and take a nice hot bath, but that was not meant to be. We are still without water and the house smelled like a port-a-potty!!! So gross!! I used the rest of the bottled water I had and only got half of it to flush. So off to bed I went with the hopes of waking up to the sound of running water but that was not meant to be either. I was so discouraged this morning. I wanted to shower before church and the laundry and dishes are piling up but what could I do, it is out of my hands. I can do NOTHING about it!  I fought off the urge to stay home from church and feel sorry for myself, carried buckets of snow into the house to melt so we could flush the toilet and got 5 kids ready for church. As we rushed around the house and got ready for church the maintenance man came to work on unfreezing the pipes. I left for church feeling a little encouraged that when I got home there could be water.

    Off to church we rushed and as I pulled out of the driveway I realized that the gas gauge was on empty and the miles till empty meter was at zero! I wanted to beat Phil, he had been driving the van for the past three days, why was it on empty? UGH!! So I stopped at the nearest gas station and put in 10 bucks because it is cheaper at work and I am not filing up the tank there for 3.95 a gallon! Finally we made it to church and of course we were waiting in the lobby but they opened the overflow and we got to sit through sacrament meeting. After sacrament I walked the little ones to their classes and was on my way to the mother's lounge to rock a very tired Cody when my brother in law came up and said someone wanted to see me. It was Sister Dance! Yay!! I love that woman! Brother and Sister dance are the mission Presidents for Alaska and I have had the pleasure of hearing Sister Dance speak before. She is such an awesome woman and has such faith. When I was baptized this past September they came to my baptism. It was so good to see her and hug her. Instantly my entire crappy, self pitting morning was wiped away and I felt a feeling of peace come over me. We have only met a few times but each and every time she treats me as if I am the only one in the world at that moment ( I am pretty sure she treats everyone that way!)


   After visiting with sister Dance I walked the halls for a while till Cody fell asleep and then I actually got to go to Relief Society! It has been a couple of months since I got to sit through Relief Society. When we got home there still wasn't any water and there won't be any water today but the landlord brought 5 gallon buckets of water so no more melting snow and is going to take money off the rent for the trouble. The maintenance man said he would be back in the morning to crawl back under the house to cut open the exposed pipe and replace it if necessary, and despite the laundry and the dishes piling up I am surprisingly relaxed and just happy that THIS landlord is willing to do what it takes to fix any problem that arises! SO for today my battery is running on half charged instead of half dead and I am content and thankful for God's tender mercies that can even come in the form of a hug!


Oh my goodness I forgot to mention that I got to see the Northern Light (aka Aurora Borealis) this week! What a BEAUTIFUL sight! Hope it is brighter in the hear future or I get a better lens for my camera so I can take a good picture... 

Oh the woa's of moving!!

I am SOOOO glad that this week is over! I am exhausted and there is still a whole house full of boxes to put away here. Last Wednesday we signed our lease agreement and I worked till close, Thursday I dropped Addie and Philly at school but kept Sadie to help with the babies and we came over to the new house to paint. My beautiful sister in law Tina (whom I could not have pulled this off without) came and helped me paint. We painted the whole house on Thursday! Friday I packed all day and Saturday morning  my brother in law brought a uhaul and Brother Shawcroft came over with the a few of the young men from the ward to help us move. I was so thankful for my brother in law and Brother Shawcroft and the boys, we would not have pulled it off without them! Sunday morning I just sat on the couch and watched the kids play for a little while. Oh! I forgot the best part, when we got here Saturday morning the pipes were frozen and guess what? No WATER!!! SO anyway, Sunday we went back to the other house and I cleaned everything including the carpet, it looked better than when we move in! To bad I had nothing earthly to gain from it because we did not even pay a deposit to the dork! I was so tired last night and so ready for a shower and still no water! I went to bed a stinky, tired stressed out mess but heaven help me about 4 am I heard a beautiful noise! Running water!!! Yay! Took the kids to school and came home to have a much needed shower. Alas the shower was only luke warm and I froze my butt of the whole time, but I am clean!!Barely got through three boxes today but got the drain in the tub replaced and Phil changed the shower head. Thought that maybe the lack of hot water was because the water heater was empty but no such luck! Poor little Lillie and Addie came out of the bathroom shivering. I played with the water heater to no avail, my children shall remain stinky for yet another day! The stupid thing is that I can get hot water in the kitchen but not the tub. Plus the water was all murky and brownish, not sure if that's normal but I am not sitting my parts or my kids parts in that for sure!! Ugh!!  Still as I sit here tonight with the house warmed by the pellet stove and 4 out of 5 kids sleeping I am thankful that everything is okay and that for tonight all is well.

On another note I found the recipe box full of recipes from Dan's Foods that my Dad gave to each of us years ago and found myself suddenly sitting back in his garage laughing with the girls and putting them together. He was so proud of all of his recipe collecting. I can picture his face, remember the smell of the room, the smell of him, man it made me so homesick for him!! I thought of him a lot this week and as I struggled to get through the week and wondered what he would say to me. More than that I longed for a hug from him and the feeling of complete safety that came with it. Through all of this one song kept going through my head over and over again. You Know Better Than I from Joseph King of Dreams. I have not heard the song for sometime but it was more than fitting to me because of course "He" knows better than I!!

Learning to listen to the still small voice

For months I have been agonizing about whether or not we should move home or stay here a while longer. My whole soul wanted to go home but every time I tried to work it out it seemed to fall apart. I was so unhappy and just plain mad at the world! I miss my moms, my sisters and friends from home. I just wanted out! So finally after exhausting every option to get home, I finally had to accept the fact that we were here for a while longer. I finally had to stop and listen to the still small voice that was telling me that all would be okay and God would take us home when he desired and not a minute sooner.. So my next big hurdle was dealing with our landlord. The cost of living in this house was sinking us and he just kept raising the cost of things. He had called the first week in February and asked how long we thought we would be staying, I told him maybe till October (hoping to use our pfd to get home) if he would renegotiate and settle on a certain amount. He said that sounded okay with him and he would come down the following Saturday to talk to us. So I waited all day that Saturday and he did not show or call. Mind you this was after he forgot to put oil in the tank and then ruined the stove and had to have it removed for repairs, then did not pay the water guys and we ran out with no heat and sick kids!! So my dilemma was whether or not we would be doing something not honorable in the eyes of the Lord by leaving this house. We don't have a contract but I did not want to simply leave him high and dry.

   Earlier this week, after much prayer, we had finally decided that we would be okay telling him that we could no longer pay what he wanted and that we were moving out. We looked at a place on Tuesday it would save us a lot of money every month plus it has a well so no more running out of water! Yay!! Wednesday morning we were all set to see if we could rent the place when the landlord text us and told us he wanted to meet with us that night. I thought maybe a good sign and I hate moving so if he is ready to negotiate we could stay. Well we get there and all he wants is to ask us to haul our own water!! What the heck!! We both just looked at each other in disbelief. So I told him that we were struggling with the cost of the home and that we had never paid this much even when we had our own home and that we would be looking for somewhere else to live. I thought he would want to renegotiate but all he wanted to know is if I would still be able to pay him on Friday!! Oh my gosh! I have been worried about hurting them for months and he could not have cared less!! It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders, his actions had finally given me the permission to leave and not worry about them..

I went home and called the man from the other house, we got an application from him and the next day he called to let us know he wanted to rent to us and that if I wanted to paint the house (and believe me I do) he would knock 300.00 dollars off the deposit!! Yay!! SO next week includes packing, painting, working and moving!! I hope we pull it all off without a major mental breakdown but in the same sense I am sooo thankful that God saw fit to help my heart get over my guilt and that he helped us find somewhere that will make life easier for us. Bonus- we get to stay in our ward, the kids are not changing schools and I get to plant a garden this spring! Did not think I would be happy about staying but there is a certain peace that came over me as soon as I knew I would have to stay. It is time to settle and just try to be grateful for what I have instead of longing for what I don't............

A place to let it all out

For anyone that knows me, you know that from the moment I stepped foot in Alaska, I pretty much wanted out! It is not so much Alaska in and of it's self that I dislike it's the being so far away from family and the realization of what it would cost to visit as often as I wanted that did me in!!  SO for the past two years I have felt like I am just existing and trying to get through till we leave this place, but lately especially the past couple of weeks I have had to come to a place in myself where I could decide that us being here for a while longer would not kill me!

Today as I sat on the couch of a beautiful sister from my ward here and we talked about the benefits of Relief Society and gaining our strength from women of faith, it dawned on me what living in Alaska has done for my faith. It was my turn to recall a woman of faith that inspired me, and while my mother and sisters are always great examples my thoughts went to our time in Wasilla and the women of our ward there. I recalled how I had to call the Relief Society president for our ward and ask for help with my children for while I had Cody. I did not have much time left till having him and all of my plans for help with the kids had fallen through, so I called, introduced myself and asked if there were any women in the ward willing to meet with me and possibly take my babies overnight. GASP!!! We were not even active, I did not know any of these women and I had only ever left my babies overnight once before and that was to find a home in Wasilla while my in laws kept my kids, that was hard enough to do and now I had to trust a stranger! But these women were AMAZING! They came to my home, invited me into theirs, met me at parks for play dates, all to comfort my very weary soul. I recalled how they made going to have Cody and leaving the kids bearable. I remember struggling after I had Cody and had sent Phil home to get the kids. I had always had a full hospital room shortly after giving birth and now I sat there alone looking at this beautiful baby wondering how I would get past no one coming to see what I had just accomplished! I needed to open mouth sob at that point and as I felt myself sinking to that dark poor pity me place, just then at what I perceived  to be my breaking point, in walked beautiful Angie, with balloons, a cake, a smile and a hug... Someone had come to see my miracle and God was kind in his mercies that day!!

 So while being here in Alaska has been full of experiences like the one I just mentioned, I have found myself discontent and longing for home or my perception of home. Over the past few weeks my push to go home has come to a screeching halt! The tax money I was relying on did not come through, the truck broke down and many, many other things put a stop to my race to leave. I had to face the possibility of staying here and try to find contentment in myself and learn to love Alaska while I am here, so I told the landlord we are moving and with families help we found a place that will save us money every month! So here we go moving yet again and here I go on my journey of "Learning to Love Alaska" My goal this year is to enjoy the awesome wonders of what God created here and to create memories so that when we do get to go home we have wonderful stories to share! My hope is that having "a place to let it all out" will help me gain strength and get over myself!